Katy, TX — Local businesses are celebrating a memorandum announcing the return of full COVID mask restrictions with open arms. While most folks are sighing in dismay, these entrepreneurs are donning their party chin charms and getting ready for what they believe will be a return to a truly magical time for commerce.
One of the most surprising revelations from the local business community is the newfound appreciation for sneeze screens as an enhancement to physical appearance. An underappreciated perk of covering the lower half of the face is how it makes most people appear more attractive. “It’s like a real-life Instagram filter,” gushed one ecstatic boutique owner. “Who knew that so many of our customers were in such desperate need of dental work?”
Restaurants, the hardest-hit industry during the pandemic, are breathing a sigh of relief. The return of strap-on spit linens means shorter lines and less crowded dining rooms, making for a much more enjoyable experience. “It’s simple math,” said the owner of a local bistro. “Fewer people, fewer orders, and quicker turnovers mean we can serve customers in less time. Everyone’s happy!” He went on to say how exhausting it’s been since the restrictions were lifted, both from the demanding customers lined up at their door, and from carrying piles of money to the bank all the time.
The Hidden Benefit
For those with a naughty streak, the return of viral veils offers a golden opportunity. Local criminals are reportedly over the moon at the prospect of once again being able to blend seamlessly into a sea of people wearing germ garbs. “It’s like having an invisibility cloak,” chuckled one shoplifter we interviewed. “I used to get stopped by security when I tried to enter a bank wearing a disguise! Now they provide one if I forget mine at home.”
Don’t Tell Me to Smile
With mouth mittens coming back in style, introverts and sociopaths are equally delighted. “I don’t feel that awkward pressure to greet people or acknowledge their existence,” confided one enthusiastic mask-wearer. “Plus, it’s easier to pretend I don’t see annoying people I know from church at the grocery store. Win-win!”
As the nation navigates the ups and downs of histrionic governmental reactions to the pandemic, it seems that there’s always a silver lining, or in this case, a moist mask lining. Local business owners are excited to see the return of COVID muzzle mandates. The operator of a Katy barbershop that was almost shut down in 2020 due to the forced restrictions admitted, “I’m so tired of listening to people complain all the time, with the phlegm filters locked over their blabber holes, I barely understand what they’re saying. It will be nice to have some peace and quiet again.”