Submission by Lori Joiner

Family stress can become overwhelming when we carry responsibility for decisions and behavior we cannot control. Giving those burdens to God begins with recognizing the difference between another person’s choices and our own response. A simple two-column exercise—listing what you can control and what you cannot—can help Christians pray more specifically, establish healthier boundaries and identify their next practical step.

During one of our weekly discipleship meetings at my home, a woman tearfully described painful problems in her extended family. She felt burdened by situations she could not change herself. I suggested taking inventory.

“Inventory? What do you mean?” she asked.

Separate What You Can Control From What You Can’t

I divided a sheet of paper into two columns and helped her sort her concerns. Here is part of her list:

Things I Cannot Control

• Whether my sister’s marriage ends in divorce.
• The custody decision concerning her children.
• What my brother-in-law chooses to send me in a text.
• Whether the next family holiday gathering is tense.

Things I Can Control

• Praying for my sister’s marriage.
• Praying for my nephews to be placed in a loving home.
• Choosing how I respond to hurtful messages.
• Deciding how I conduct myself at family gatherings.
• Making time to read God’s Word.
• Choosing whether I join a family argument.

You may still be able to help with something in the left column. You can offer support, speak honestly or ask for help. Put those actions on the right side of your paper.

When you are coping with toxic family members, be specific about the behavior that concerns you. Write down what is happening and consider what response is available to you.

Bring Your Burdens to God in Prayer

We prayed over her concerns, entrusting the outcomes to God. She seemed more at peace as she prayed. Philippians 4:6–7 invites us to pray with thanksgiving and bring our concerns to Him.

Take your own list to God, one concern at a time. Name the person and the situation. Ask for wisdom about your part and help with the burden you are carrying.

I’ve written about how God guides us through Scripture because time in His Word helps us recognize what He asks of us. Make time to read as well as pray.

I have needed this reminder myself when worry takes over. Some concerns will need to be brought to God again tomorrow. You can return to prayer while continuing to seek the support the situation calls for.

Choose Your Next Practical Step

Now look at your right column. Choose one action you can take today, such as making an appointment with a counselor or deciding how to respond to a message. In my discussion of seeking God’s direction when you don’t know what to do, I encourage believers to seek wise counsel as they consider their next step.

Sometimes that step involves setting limits. KCM’s discussion of when Christians may need to walk away from a harmful relationship considers situations in which distance is necessary. Entrusting a situation to God can include limiting contact, protecting children, seeking professional help and reporting abuse or threats to appropriate authorities. If anyone is in immediate danger, seek emergency assistance.

Keep forgiveness and consequences in view as you decide what protection and accountability are needed. A person can be forgiven and still face consequences for harmful choices.

Write your next step beside the appropriate item, and decide when you will take it. You can pray for your family and act responsibly toward the people in your care.

Feature photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash