Men to Fathers: Cleaning Up the Mess

January 01 2009

“The notes are there right under your fingers.  You need to take the time to learn them,” Ray Charles told Jamie Foxx, when Foxx hit the wrong key.  Foxx won an Oscar playing the icon Charles.  All we have to do is learn the music God has waiting for us under our fingers.  And once we learn them, dads, we can teach them to our kids as we listen to their heartbeats, and let them hear ours, and encourage them to make their own!

That’s such a valuable truth.  Sometimes we just don’t see the truth, even when it’s staring us in the face, especially in the eyes of our children.  My brother, who is older than me, sent me the following story I’d like to share with you.  It’s about pancakes.

“Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.  He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.  He didn’t know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn’t know how the stove worked.

“Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.  And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon’s eyes. All he’d wanted to do was something good, but he’d made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.  Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

“That’s how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can’t stand our job, or our health goes sour.  Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can’t think of anything else to do. That’s when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. “

It really hurts when the truth is in front of us and we ignore it.  It really hurts even more when those we love see the truth, try to tell us this truth, and we refuse to listen.  Sometimes in the process of trying to make pancakes we get lost in the ingredients rather than what we need to do, or why we are trying to do it. I don’t know about you, but I can see that pancake picture as vividly as I have two boys who test me constantly, even after one has moved out.  I can see that father standing there near tears, both of joy and pain.  Joy that his little one is trying to do something that will be appreciated accepted and enjoyed.  Pain of knowing our children will make messes, and sometimes their pain cannot compare to the pain we feel because sometimes we are not willing to get sticky in the process. Pain of knowing their mess is their mess and we have to let them sort it out. Sometime a man just forgets what it takes to be a dad.

I see myself reflecting as God must reflect as I try to think what I should do.  Lately, I’m come to understand a bit of what that dad will see later.  I’ve learned to wait to be asked, and then reserve the right to say no.  I think if many of us, especially with children who have left home remember that, our nation might be better; our neighborhoods might be better; and our families might be better.  I think this applies also to teachers as we try to remember it is our job to teach and empower our students.  Some time that means we can’t be intimidated by people outside the classroom who tell us that by discriminating success from failure we are doing irreparable damage to children, as some would have us to believe by ‘patting them on the head for achieving a level of success on tests.’  We can’t always succeed by not failing. We only fail if we quit.  If we don’t have standards, don’t have notes, then how are we going to know what’s right, or if the music we play is the right song?  You’re right.  We don’t know.

If we could remember our time here is measured in ways we can’t imagine.  If we could remember that, we could live life better.  If we could remember that no matter what we are loved by a father whose depth we can’t understand, our lives could be better.  If we can teach our kids to know they are gifts from God, and that God knew that no one could parent them better than we can, then I think our families could be better.

And one other thing, as you search for the notes in your life, remember the present we have is because of the past our parents gave us.  Keep that close to us as we try to plan what we are leaving for our children.  As we prepare them, caution ourselves to not do too much, because then we won’t leave them anything they can claim as their own.  That’s the key to a good musician, teacher, parent, and child.  When we understand what we have built, what we are leaving, we then know who we are.  That’s the most momentous truth to life…grasping and holding onto something that is really ours!

We need to remember these truths, share them, and make pancakes.  My brother sent this story to me.  If you like it, send it to someone you know.  Maybe it will make someone else’s life better.  It did for me.  Thanks big brother.

“It’s so hard to deny yourself a part of yourself because you’ve grown to believe it’s wrong.” from “Murder on the Pier,” by Jere Myles, [p. 141]

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Failure Comes from Not Trying

November 11 2008

“I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can’t accept not trying.”  Michael Jordan said that.  “Failing is the polish that makes lumps of coal into diamonds.  Failing etches masterpieces quitters can’t imagine and will never paint because they allow themselves to be victimized by believing they can’t overcome obstacles designed to make them better.”

I’m not sure how many agree, but as my mentor and I have talked, I realized I’ve learned more from my failures than I have from my successes.  In retrospect, looking at today’s ‘trophy’ generation, many of us pause and ask, why do kids have a tendency to devalue things more than we did?  Why is it, they would rather pay to have the car washed than do it themselves?  Or only work until they pay for something they want, then quit that job until they need something else? Why in today’s world, are we so consumed with making people feel good?  Why?

It used to be when children asked the proverbial why do something question, those of us who were busy with work, under a lot of stress and strain that forbade us from quitting life,  would turn to them and say, “Because I said so.”  We cultivated a society that accepted that. Our children moved on. They learned when grown folks were talking, they shut up, listened and learned.  They learned when the rent was due, it got paid.  Moreover, they learned that when their feelings were hurt, somebody generally took the time to find out what was wrong.  Bottom line?  Things were handled.

We had a way to get in touch with each other.  Our feelings were real.  We were told that if we didn’t want to be thought of as being stupid, we needed to get up off our lazy butts and apply ourselves.  Teachers told us the same things.  They were not ashamed to recognize potential and paddle a little ambition into you, or kick your butt out of class if you were making a nuisance of yourself. Today we get so consumed with hurting someone’s feelings we’ll lie in a minute to make them feel good. Feeling good is like a drug with our kids today, so much so society has labeled many of our spoiled brats as the ‘trophy’ generation.  You got up this morning on your own.  Great!  You made poopie in the potty, GREAT!  You going to all your classes and passing them all [barely], super great!  Give me a break!

Have any of you looked at the statistics on how America is doing on the educational ladder.  At one time, we were the leaders with the fewest dropouts.  Now we are in the lower quarter percentile, just one position above Mexico.  In Math and Science, we are near the bottom.  Granted, our children may not be failing, but are they succeeding?  In addition, among those, boys are doing the worst.

Jerome Bruner, a leader in educational reform, once said, “One of the great triumphs of learning…is to get things organized in your head in a way that permits you to know more than you ‘ought’ to.  The concepts take reflection or brooding about what it is that you know.”  So let’s look at what we know. We know self-esteem is important, even Maslow includes this on his hierarchy of needs.  But what does never failing teach us?  Does it teach us we’re always right? If our kids are encouraged to believe lies, how can they distinguish the truth? If we don’t allow them to think for themselves, will they ever learn?   If we allow teachers to think our children can’t think because of the way they pamper them, then we are the fools.

In school, children are being passed to the next level, yet when time comes to pass an exit exam to graduate, they can’t do it.  They complain and protest and parents who can’t stand to see their children suffer or fail join in this indulgent cacophony for independence, which underpins all that, made our school systems a model for other countries.  But what has happened?

Rather than doling out failure, contextualizing it as an opportunity to succeed, we wallow in self-pity, victimization and wounded pride.  Schools turn out more and more functional illiterates and those of us who once valued education will be the ones stuck with the bills. We’ll be paying mortgages we co-signed for because our kids don’t have credit or money. We’ll be paying for insurance premiums none of us can afford because our sons and daughters have too many traffic tickets to get a good rate.  We’ll be buying their medicine or enabling some addiction all because we didn’t say no, or because some talk show guru made us believe if we can just get our kids to feel good about themselves everything will be fine.   Bull!

Things are not fine.  Teen suicide rates are escalating.  Teen pregnancies are on the upswing.  Dropouts, especially among boys are at an all-time high, and young men’s dislike for school is 71% higher than it was 30 years ago.   Much of this is because we have become too permissive, indulgent and afraid to say ‘no.’ So our kids are failing and blame us because we didn’t give them ground rules, curfews or chores.

Children are moving back home so fast one magazine labeled them the boomerang generation.  The fact that many who do go to college, can’t do basic stuff, like balance a check book, wash their own clothes or get up to go to class resulted in another author calling the parents who continue to do all the stuff for their kids ‘helicopter’ parents.  Kids today have no idea what being adult is because many adults won’t let them.  And who do you think they blame?

Remember, as I pontificated at the start, if we want diamonds, polish them. We do that by being tough, adding a little friction.  Give them chores.  Put them on a budget.  Be firm.  Let them know who earns the buck and realize where the buck stops!  If they break a dish while washing it, make them buy another.  If they wreck the car through negligence, take the car away and make them help pay for some if not all the damages.  They may hate you, but they will respect the fact they were treated as someone who could recoup, rebuild, and resume where they left off.  We all want to stand on our own, and it’s first learned at home. That’s where men learn to be fathers.

“It is much easier to help someone, after they first realize they need help…It’s like trying to force feed a baby.  They’ll puke on you every time.”
Doc Fletcher, from “Murder on the Pier,” by Jere Myles, [p. 65]

Archie R. Wortham, PhD
Educator & Writer

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Except the Lord Build the House

November 11 2008

“Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh in vain.”

I love the bible.  I go there when I need answers.  My good friend Larcene Bowers told me of a time when her son was leaving for college, she sent him with a bible.  She told him to read it when times were hard.  She told him to go to his bible when he needed answers.  We need instruction like this today, as many seem to have turned their backs on hard work, trusting in each other, and reading the bible.

While in college, there are expenses parents don’t anticipate.  While away from home, there are burdens we can’t lift from our children, yet hopefully we have given them enough faith and strength to overcome the challenges life brings to them.  While growing up, we learned about work and appreciated what we earned.  We learned our parents truly had our welfare at hand, and later so did we as we tried to instruct our kids by ‘not’ giving them things we couldn’t afford.  The housing debacle and the US bailout is a classic example of people getting things they don’t need with money they don’t have and feeling entitled if someone tried to correct them, or tell them to wait.

Nevertheless, sometimes they just don’t listen. That’s what happened. No matter how much we try to give them the answers, they just ignore us. Others have to suffer because they refused to listen.  In Mrs. Bowers’ case, she kept asking her son was he reading his bible as he called her for money.  Every time he answered, “Yes ma’am, I’m reading my bible.”   His mother would reply, “Then you got all you need.”  It’s called doing what you told, and learning to believe in yourself and what people who love you tell you.

Sometimes the answers are right in front of us; we don’t even have to look at them, to see them as they as really are.  Sometimes we have to stop chasing windmills to understand that a simple reality check can open more doors than the ones we try to avoid.  If we don’t take care of our house, take up the chant and realize what we have, we might lose it, because we stand the chance of not remembering what’s important.  Like when people we elect to Congress don’t listen to the people who sent them there, rather the people with the deepest pockets.  Have any of you checked who the largest beneficiaries from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are?

Right now, our country is faced with an adversary more divisive than any “dis-ease” we have ever faced.  Not unlike the fireman in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, we stand to lose more than our freedom if we fail to read what’s going on.  We stand to lose more than our guarantee of the pursuit of happiness if we allow someone else to tell us what happiness is.  We stand to lose more than our American dream of a house, a job and an education if we don’t do something soon.  We are not dumb.  We’re not sheep.  We are capable of deciding for ourselves, but many are too lazy to do that.  We must remember, “A house divided cannot stand”, and we are capable of building a new house.  All of you who are part of the electorate have an opportunity for change, but have you check who’s doing what to whom and for how much?

Larcene’s son finally listened to his mother.  What prompted him to accept the wisdom and tutelage of his mom is the same promptings we find in our hearts; he knew she knew the truth. He wasn’t reading his bible.  We know what’s right, but sometime we ignore it.  We know when we are about to do something wrong, yet do it anyway.  We realize, sometimes too late, that having said we were sorry, we were wrong, or even thank you, could make a difference. Is it too late now?  I don’t think so.

What prompted Larcene’s son to open his bible?  Need?  No.  Greed?  No.  That’s our country right now, and the bible tells us it’s the ‘love of money’ that leads to destruction.  No, as I mentioned before, her son knew his mom somehow knew he wasn’t telling the truth.  How?  I didn’t ask her that or him.  Maybe it was his roommate.  Maybe she had a dream.  But she knew what she had done in preparing him for school.  She had given him instructions on why God was important to him, how prayer does change things.  The real reason was she knew what was in that bible, because when he finally opened the bible he found more than just the word of the Lord.  He found faith, hope and something else–money.  His mom had put all sorts of dollars in his bible before he left, so when he asked her for money, she knew he was not reading his bible.

Are you reading your bible Dads?  If you are, then you should know as the psalmist says that “children are the heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.”  Our kids need to know what we believe and who is watching over them.   If you don’t care enough for your children to go out and vote in November, then the Lord will not have an opportunity to build a united house.

The quote I used at the beginning was to be used by John Kennedy, the day he was assassinated.  Can you think of a better reason to vote?  Remember the Alamo.  Remember the Maine.  But most importantly, remember, “Except the Lord build the house…” As I told my sister, everything I do, with few exceptions is somehow connected to my house.  I pray for my family constantly, and as Larcene told me to do:  “Archie, I’m going to pray for you.”  When we ask people to pray for our families, dads, don’t forget to remember we need prayer too!

We need houses built on prayer, and homes built on faith.  I pray for my country, for we need a country built on people who are not afraid to use the name of God.  We need a country built on people who are not afraid to say they pray.  We need a country led by people we believe we can trust.  Pray.  Read your bible.  Trust your faith and then vote.  I know I will.

“Death makes strange provisions for life.  It unites the lonely. It comforts the weary.  It gives finality to some, hope to others.”
from Murder on the Pier by Jere Myles [ p.7]

Archie R. Wortham, PhD
Educator & Writer

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Men to Fathers– Failing our Boys

July 13 2008

“When the school system was failing girls, we fixed the school system.  When we discovered the school system was failing the boys, we tried to fix the boys.” I heard this from a talk radio show host, and I want you to think about this truth setting you free.  More specifically, the truth about setting our boys free!

If I’ve not alerted you to the omnipresence of a crisis, you’ve not been listening.  If I’ve not alerted you to the fact, that as a man, you have some of the answers, then you don’t care.  If I’ve not been able to get you to go to your son’s school, call his school, or at least learn the school’s number, then I guess I’m failing, and just have to keep trying.  I will.  I’m not about to give up on you or our boys.

When you want something…really want something, what do you?  I don’t know about you, but I go after it.  Even if it’s only a racquetball shot, that no one says I can get.  I push myself to the limit, and even if I miss the shot, I know inside I tried.  When was the last time there was something so important you gave your all?  How did you feel?  I bet you didn’t feel like a failure.  Business coach Dave Lorenzo indicates that “people fail for only two reasons:   they don’t have a goal so they don’t know what success looks like, or they give up.”  Is that what we’re doing dads?  The best we can?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had more and more conversations with dads.  When you’re passionate about something, things just kind of flow in that direction!  Invariably all the men I talk to have one thing in common.  They want their sons to be successful.  They want their daughters to be successful and if they get married…to marry someone who is also successful.  So now, we know where we want to go.

More and more men need to stick to their guns; talk to other men, get ideas, and encourage one another.  More and more women need to encourage rather than nag and disparage their husbands, the father of their children.  More and more women need to talk to their men behind closed doors rather than confronting them in front of their kids.  More and more women need to let their kids clean their rooms, make a meal ever so often and allow them to feel they are a contributing part of the household.  If kids are not making beds and cleaning up their rooms at least once a week, that’s as much momma’s fault as the kid’s.  Moreover, dads, if she yells at them to make the beds, you back her up.

It’s called cooperation.  It’s the same way with schools.  We need to realize that if most of the teachers are not having problems with girls, but they are with the boys, maybe it’s because they are treating the boys and girls differently.

Bringing it back home, why shouldn’t a daughter help in the yard?  Why shouldn’t a son do dishes, cook, or the laundry?  Why?  Because we tell them they can’t, or have other things to do?  Like what?  Homework! Homework is important but yard work and housework are important too.  Bottom line, work is important, and the sooner our children learn that, the sooner they will be taking care of themselves.  More importantly, moving out of the house, equipped to be living in a house they own. Why do you think so many grown kids are moving back home.  One, parents are letting them, and two; many just are capable of taking care of themselves.

We dads need to be sure our sons are equipped to move into society capable of carrying their own weight, without depending on mom or dad, or even their wives to take care of them.  Society does a poor job of this because it limits them in so many ways.  Society expects boys to be domesticated, yet it riles against moms trying to domesticate them.  Society expects boys to be educated, but when their level of energy reaches a pitch teachers can’t tolerate, boys often get sent to ISS [in school suspension] because remember, we don’t want to conform to their needs the way we lobbied to conform to the needs of girls.

We dads need to figure out how we can get the female teachers to connect with the male brain.  Just because a boy appears tuned out, doesn’t mean he is not interested.  Teachers, who encourage girls, need to find a technique for encouraging boys.

A teacher commented in Michael Gurian’s book “The Minds of Boys,” that “Children learn what they have decided to learn.”   Teachers and parents need to help boys find meaning in the abstract and contextualize it in such a way that it has value.  I’m constantly connecting things to the men in my ‘males-only class’ to life experiences.  If we can’t make it relevant for them, it will never mean anything to them. Connect clothes, automobiles, even food to economics and economics to education.  Stress to them, that how one lives depends on what skills one has.  Have them compute how much things cost, even let them see your bills, write the checks, so they know that money indeed does not come from plastic, or trees. Make things relevant, and our kids will make things work.

Begin by making them understand the relevancy of education.  Show interest in their education.  If you have no idea what courses they are taking, or who their teachers are that tells you one thing.  If their teachers have no idea who you are, then it becomes axiomatic that many teachers have no idea who your child is.  Give notice by introducing yourself.  Get involved and see what happens.  Remember our sons need us to help them become men.

“Loving unconditionally has made martyrs out of greater and lesser people, men and women, than Mieko.”
-Jonathan Keenan Rose on the Until Tomorrow show.
from Jere Myles’ book “Murder on the Pier”

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Dad Talk- Telling the Real Truth

July 13 2008

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act,” George Orwell said that.

Are we telling each other the truth?  Having been in the military, a husband and a father, one of the things I’ve come to realize is some times the truth changes.  If you don’t understand that as real, then you’ll soon discover how wrong you are.  Wanna bet?

What about: ‘Marriage is forever;’ or ‘You have kids to help you in your old age?’  Has the truth changed about that?  What about the statement? ‘Once they leave, they’re gone.’  Evidence shows more and more kids are moving back home, and parents’ attitudes toward ‘allowing’ kids move back in has changed.

Recently my wife and I talked about all the false help I see being provided by various groups to people in someone else’s backyard. I mean why should I pay to send someone to Chicago to help someone on the south side when I could help someone down the street?  Or why should I encourage my son to go on another mission trip to Louisiana when he could assist someone in South Texas or any one of the local shelters here in San Antonio?

I didn’t really have an answer to that question. Rather than thinking I was right, I listened and began to hear something else she was saying.  Why be critical if they are doing something?  Why be critical if it’s just not what I would do?  Why be critical indeed?  Sometime our criticism becomes an obstacle or log in our eyes as we judge our fellowman …particularly those of us who are Christian. Her point? They were doing something.

But there was more to it than that.  As I thought over this, I realized the truth Orwell was talking about really concerned itself with the idea of help.  People help those who need help. Using an old ‘Temptations’ group song to make my point, if people are “too proud to beg for your sympathy,” then why not help those who want help.  And how do we know those who want help…generally it’s those people who ask.  That’s when truth comes in.  That’s when things become revolutionary.  That’s where we sometimes screw up.

In their desire to help, people sometimes forget to be empathetic.  They forget about where people come from, or what they have endured.  People think their definition of truth is the only truth.  Culture and background are swept away with the brush and debris by the mops, rakes and broom they use to clean.  They come in to clear and rebuild without getting dirty.  Volunteers come for a few days, weeks or months, and then leave to go home.  Granted they may take a little bit of an experience they will jot on a resume and say it changed their lives. But if they go back to being who they were before…why bother?

New Orleans and Chicago are just a few isolated places people go to help.  In many cases, the people doing the helping are culturally different, and to a degree, think they are better.  So they go to these venues to help, and come away not really changed because they don’t go with an ear to listen.  People hear what Reverend Jeremiah Wright said, but they miss the underpinning of his message because they are too near the reality that some of what he says might be true.  People will read this and all they will read is I said Jeremiah Wright spoke the truth, NOT that I only said some of what he said was true.

Listen to what LaSalle Sin said in the movie “Be Cool,” when told to be quiet with an epithet many blacks in today’s society have been called.  LaSalle asks his antagonist, “Have you lost your mind?  I mean how is it you can disrespect a man’s ethnicity when you know we have influenced nearly every facet of white America?  From our music to our style of dress not to mention your basic imitation of our sense of cool, walk, talk, dress, mannerism. We enrich your very existence all the while contributing to the Gross National Product through our achievements in corporate America.  It’s these conceits that comfort me when I am faced with the ignorant, cowardly, bitter and bigoted who have no talent and no guts. People like you who desecrate things they don’t understand when the truth is, you should say ‘Thank you man, and go on about your way.’ But apparently you are incapable of doing that.”

It’s a wonderful movie.  It’s funny.  It’s entertaining, and it makes you think as LaSalle also adds, “Racial epithets why does it always come down to that?  It makes me sad for my daughter.”

That truth makes me sad also.  I feel sad for my sons. No matter what people say, culture drives everything.  Nevertheless, many refuse to acknowledge that.  Whether it’s the fact, many of our white women teachers admit to being afraid in classes heavily populated by African-American or Hispanic boys; or that many of our young boys know that no matter how they dress, where they live, or how they speak, they will rarely be judged by the “content of their character.”  And as a man, no matter how hard I strive to give my family what the Jones’ have, I know if the Jones’ are a shade lighter than I am I still have to compete twice as hard to be just as good.  It’s a fact! Have we, those of us who are black, forgotten this?  That’s a truth, even if we have the most votes in this country doesn’t mean we’ll win an election. We may have a person of color running for president, but many of us have forgotten what it took to get there, and many of us won’t even vote for Obama because we refuse to help him get there because he’s not white, therefore only half as good.

The truths people once understood have not changed, they just got reformatted and right now many of us need to be rebooted to understand education is still the way to change.  Education equalized things because those who were looked upon as being disadvantaged once upon a time worked harder, rather than atrophied on the charity of those who feel good about their volunteerism.  Men, it’s about time we accept this as truth again, if we want our boys to become men, and that truth should revolutionize a lot of current thinking for future fathers.

“Yes, but friends can often get friends to do things they won’t even do for family.“
-Eileen Prescott
from Jere Myles’ book “Murder on the Pier”

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Men 2 Fathers

April 23 2008

“I am contemplating my own mortality, and…..yours. There was a time when I thought we would live forever.  Now, I know we will not, and before we go on to whatever comes next, I want to take the opportunity to say hello again. And good-bye to some of the special people I have known and loved in my life.”
That was the beginning of a letter my brother sent members of our family over ten years ago. Just for the record, my brother and I have chosen to go different paths over the years. We are not close. I’m somewhat more than an additional addressee on his e-mail lists; a reminder of times before me, and times after me. Little brothers have a way of becoming that. As I hear Gandhi’s words echoing in my ear, or Obama’s, maybe that will change. All I know is what he wrote is true.  Time forces many men, after they turn a certain age, or their children reach a certain age, to realize they can’t move as fast as they once did. They don’t remember as well as they once did. They are more fragile than they ever dreamed of becoming.
Does any of that resonate in your life?  Do any of you have a sense of your own mortality as you realize you can’t wear the same clothes anymore, you can’t run as fast or as long as you once did? Are you seeing your life slip by?
After answering those questions, ask yourself: “When is the last time you said hello to some of the special people you have known and loved in your life?” E-mails and columns are okay, but when is the last time you actually picked up the phone, or visited someone who made a dent in your life? Take time and think about it. For some of you, it may have been too long. Others of you may do it on a daily basis.  Many of you are somewhat like me, constantly struggle for the moral high ground, but never really reach it. It’s okay.  Forgiveness is easier when you start with yourself.
“Good parents are guilty parents.” I don’t necessarily agree with that, but it’s a stereotype that should make you think. Labels and stereotypes consume or control much of our lives. We allow TV, mothers, preachers, and even politicians to dictate what we believe. Many of these label our understanding of who we are, from the way we contextualize the meaning of various words. Words like guilt. I’m sure when a lot of you read guilt you thought about your parents; you thought of your kids; you thought about being consumed both by guilt and a misunderstanding of why guilt is not necessarily a bad thing!
Sometimes you do something you know is wrong and feel no remorse. That might be sad, yet everyday, there are some people who don’t feel one iota of guilt for not being where they should be in regards to their relationship with others. The others could be an assortment of friends or family, but the bottom line? The bottom line is the question: “Is someone hurt and no one feels the compassion to do something about the hurt?” That’s when we learn to be better than we are, as we see images of God in our lives.
Reminding people to find images of God is something that is coursing through my life right now as I get faced with my own mortality. Right now with all the turmoil in the world, my emphasis is experiencing God and finding ways to heal and be healed.  We are the ones who can heal this country. We have the power to “let the dogs out…” or tame them!  That’s where mortality comes into the picture.
I cannot ponder my own mortality without seeing extensions of who I am. It’s as if someone braided my hair with locks I no longer have.  Each day I’m overwhelmed by how little control I have over the things changing around me: my children, my wife, my health.  As my wife and I looked for the latest CD by some group without any vowels in their name, my mortality brimmed. As I share different music, Dionne Warwick, Simon & Garfunkel, ABBA with my classes, I realized how the music industry has changed. I realize with Usher, Eminem, Beyonce how different my kids are becoming. They’re growing up, and I can’t keep them as little kids anymore.  I’m growing old.  One day I will die, and then who will take care of them? They must be able to fend for themselves.  As I told my mentor, my concern is more on preparing them than pleasing them.
That’s a challenge I give to all of you.  That’s a challenge I expect each man to step up to.  We can’t keep them as kids. However, we do have control over the type of men and women they become as we provide the models they need as we compete against the models being provided through movies, TV, books and schools. As my brother mentioned, we need to find a way to say hello again to life, not consume ourselves with what we can’t do or rely on movies that are fake, TV that doesn’t reflect us, books that are out of touch, or teachers who think they know better how to raise our children than we do.  If we yield to these irreverent, inaccurate and inarticulate models our children are lost and our mortality destroyed.   Rather we should see what allows us to make a memory that is something we can be proud. So that when we say good-bye, we know we have sown seeds that will keep our children warm, secure, and most of all faithful to a set of values we gave them!
I will not live forever, yet through the things I’ve written, friends I have made or the things I’ve done my memory will become an encampment if front of battle ridden city as I still have a choice in how I live, raise my kids, and serve my God. Knowing and believing this is a security blanket I cling to each night, as I try to do the right thing for my family, my country, and my God.

You’ve got to believe deep inside yourself that you’re destined for great things.”
from Always my Dad calendar

Archie Wortham, Ph.D.
Educator & Columnist

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Dad Talk

April 23 2008

Archie Wortham

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give,” Sir Winston Churchill said that.
Put another way, I think more so than at any time in history, the number of takers is beginning to overshadow the number of givers. Some of you may disagree, and that’s your prerogative, but as we move closer and closer to deciding who you want to lead us…ask yourself when is the last time you said ‘yes’ to something and really meant it.

Saying ‘yes,’ is not always a good thing.  As I was reflecting on what to write about, I took a pause and realized that three of the most important points in my life had to do with people telling me no. That’s right.  Sometimes we get so swept up in doing the perceived right thing that we wouldn’t know or understand the truth if it hit us in the face. Churchill makes a very valid point as he reminds us that giving in important, and sometime the person asking you for something needs to be told no!
Reflecting on the no’s in my life I came up with the three most important. They happened at critical points in my life, and changed it forever. The first no happened when my high school sweetheart dumped me.  Over the phone no less, she dumped me.  I’d been away to college. She’d gone to a different college.  I was poor and we had mostly communicated our affection over the phone, or through mail, back when people actually wrote letters. I never will forget the night of my high school graduation when she turned a kiss into a level of French I’d not imagined a preacher’s daughter was capable. Anyway, after sharing some of my college experiences and longing to see her to tell her of a recent experience in my life, she dumped me. Did not want to understand my side of things, how I missed her and wanted to wait to see her to get an understanding of all she meant to me…she dumped me. That was a serious blow…to wit I’m not sure I ever recovered.  I went on, but not sure who I would have been had we continued…and gotten married. But we didn’t.  The rest they say is history.

The second no of importance came when I decided I wanted to go back to the college that had dumped me for some stupid crank phone call. Though I had been readmitted, the college told me I would have to find lodging off campus. That was okay, but what I had not expected was my mother telling me that she would not support me going back to that college. I’m not sure it was a matter of money or principle.  Regardless, I packed my bags, caught the Greyhound bus, and left. I was twenty years old, and in some people’s eyes, maybe I was running away from home. It was scary, but like I said, I was twenty.  I knew what I wanted. I knew that in my plight through life, it had basically been me, and the angels in the manner of friends that God had sent in my life. That’s what I was depending on as I took my life in my hands and went back to what became my Alma matter with only the promise of some help from the state and some friends that saw me as someone struggling to find a way. My mom and I often spoke about this incident as probably being the best thing that could have happened to me. She wanted control.  I wanted freedom.  She said no. I left.

The third proverbial event that rocked me was when a gentleman I grew to call Big Daddy told me no. Having been a sharecropper, I didn’t have much.  Getting in to the military was like I’d won the lottery. More money came in one month than we’d see in the country in years. I’d worked my way through school, with the help of friends like Big Daddy, but I had no sense of how to handle it. Money can get away from you if you don’t watch it.  Money can get you in trouble if you’re not careful, and money can help you find who your friends are real quick, if you spend it quickly on them. Well I did.  I got in debt.  And the easiest way out of debt is to ask people with money to help you. You ever wondered why people with money have it?  Cause they assess an importance to its value. Not what it can buy, but its value.  Well I asked Big Daddy for a loan and he sent me a letter. The letter was an instruction on how to manage my life, and not let my life be managed by credit. I learned too hard a lesson, but I learned it early enough I hope to pass it on to our sons. Respect comes from building credit, not seeing how much credit you can get.

There were other phases and stages in my life that made detours because people said no. When my fellowship at the university I attended was not renewed and I had to find another way to get my education and made me make my own way.  When I was passed over for promotion in the Army, when I flunked my qualifying exams for my doctoral candidacy, these were bumps in the road that made me realize I remember the no’s in my life more so than the yes’s. What about you?
I learned we make a life by what we give as I try to give back to my community, my students, and my family. Most importantly though I’ve learned that things that are given too easy are too easily forgotten. The road to perdition I’m told is lined with good intentions and until we realize that adversity does build character, character will continue to be a quality many of our young Americans will lack. Giving our kids too much just creates a bunch of selfish, egotistical youngsters who think we owe them and our earning has become an inheritance they are entitled to get. I say stop that now.  Tell them no.  Grow up and realize that just like they tell you, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Life ain’t easy, and the best way we can make our children realize this is to teach them ‘no’ at home.

“If you don’t invest very much, then defeat doesn’t hurt very much and winning is not very exciting.”
Dick Vermer

Archie Wortham, Ph.D.
Husband of Suzie
Father of Jeremy & Myles
Teacher & Columnist

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Dad Talk

February 19 2008

“Here’s another idea.  Have college days in school.” That was from last week’s column, and as children approach their junior and senior year, we need to be sure that many of them know why college is important, what SAT and ACT mean and if they want to be successful, taking those tests will make it easier to be the next Hillary, Obama or McCain.  Parents and teachers need to be sure we are listening to what’s important, and more important, realizing what we do today, and how we present the future is how many of our children will see it.

Last week I talked about “college days.”  Some of you may wonder what the impact of something like this would have in school. Well think about how it’s packaged.  We all want part of the American Dream. If we place an expectation on what it takes to get that, and follow this up with some measure of how to get it, we might be more successful at reaching some of our kids who are also students. We need to demand our kids get what they deserve, but first they must realize they deserve it. College should be an expectation not a privilege.

College provides privilege.  Privilege can be defined in many ways. It could be a home in the suburbs, a new car, a vacation in Hawaii, cell phone with unlimited minutes, season tickets to your favorite football or basketball team. Privilege could also be not having to wait in line, having the best food on the menu served to you, or simply being called Mr. or Miss with your last name. I can’t define success for all of you, but I do know that many of these so-called privileges can begin with a college degree. The principal issue facing many of us is how we get young people to see the value of this in a way they understand that privileges are not entitlements.

One way to start this is give them tangible examples of what privileges look like. One way to do this is integrate something measurable for them to aspire. So here are some ideas we parents can suggest to your local schools. Remember, you are just as important in the education of your children as the people that sit behind a desk, or walk the hallways. Teachers can’t think of it all.  Suggest and follow up.

Have a college day at school! On this particular day, in your child’s school, have those students who plan to go to college dress as though they were going to a college interview. If they don’t know how, tell them. Here’s a time to begin the dialogue about college.  Tell them about its importance as you proceed to coach them in how they should dress. I’m sure everyone has a wardrobe that includes at least one ‘interview’ outfit. A collared shirt, pants with a belt that is worn on their waist. Find ways to reward these college dressed young men and women.

One reward could be when they go to the cafeteria, let them be first in line. It’s a proven fact, those who get a college degree will earn more, and therefore they will be first in line to buy BMWs, homes, flat screen TVs, New generation X-boxes. Let those who choose to dress for college get on and off the bus first. Remember, responsibility should earn one privilege.  Let them sit wherever they want to sit in class on that particular “college day.”
Parents of these kids can choose any number of ways to complement this behavior, an increase in allowance, a family dinner out. Let them miss a chore on that day, or do the chore for them. Administrators can invite civic leaders or entrepreneurs on these days.  Make it an event!  Advertise it!!

I realize this is a revolutionary approach, but think about it this way…in a politically correct society, we are driven more by the mainstream than we are by common sense. With this common sense approach, what will happen is your sons and daughters will be able to more readily identify with others who have similar values, goals and aspirations. The peer pressure contaminates them in a good way, when they seem someone they think is cool doing something un-cool like thinking about how they are going to be able to provide for a family, get a car, or eat when mom and dad are gone.
Hold on…and for those of you who think, “what about the kids who want to go to college but can’t afford it?” If they realize the benefits they garner for aspiring to do this, maybe, just maybe they will ask someone how. On the other hand, maybe, and this is truly revolutionary, maybe some counselor, teacher, or mentor will ask them: “So you really want to go to college? Maybe I can help.”  Then you can see if you really want to make a difference…you certainly can!
Talk to the administrators about this, particularly if your son or daughter attends a school that bowed to the pressures of suburbanites who felt freedom of expression was more important than the realities of life. That’s why many schools don’t have uniforms. Not because of you and me who believe that clothes don’t necessarily make the man, but if we want to talk about equality, look where Obama and Edwards, Hillary and Oprah shop.

As far as college days are concerned, see if you can get the administrators to try it once or twice a month. And let them determine how often they might want to do this.  A novel idea would be to present the idea as a student government idea, if you think that more students would listen to their governing body than the administrators who they might view more like their parents.

Think about the impact such a revolutionary idea might have on schools. And the earlier you start this, the better.  There is no reason middle-school kids have to wait to high school to realize the importance of college. Start training them in elementary.  It’s easier then.  But don’t cast aside the high schoolers as beyond help.  Think about it, as boys become the men they see on the streets in their neighborhood. Present them a good image you men who are fathers.

“Making home too safe that our kids won’t leave won’t protect them when we’re gone.”

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Evil Things Happen When Good Men Do Nothing

February 19 2008

Today’s youth want to do good. I think of the run-ins with my son’s teachers, as I made my presence known in the hallways of my older son’s school. Visiting each of his teachers, I rediscovered that above all, he had a good heart. All his teachers told me this. I remember that instead of going on Spring break, his sophomore year, he was among a half dozen of his friends who chose to go to the Louisiana’s Ninth Ward, and during Thanksgiving last year he delivered food to various families with his school. Realizing this is his last year, I’ve visited his teachers this year, as I remember something else I discovered last year. Many of his teachers had good hearts too, but some think they know more than the parents. Watch these!

As they need to know is that I have a good heart too, so they can picture his dad when they wonder are they harboring a fugitive or a potential ambassador? Or wonder if they are helping me raise a statistic for our penal system or a solution to some of the dementia that seems rampant. A dementia that indicates that for many boys, their chances of going to jail, particularly if they are boys, outweigh their chances of graduating, unless they are lucky.

And as my mentor ‘Smiley’ told both our sons…they are lucky. Their family is in tact. Their mom and I don’t always agree, as she approaches menopause and I vacillate in and out of my mid-boomer crisis, but we are still together after 25 years. Both our boys live in the house where they were born. They have a legion of teachers and mentors around them who want them to have a good life. With a dad and mom who went to college, a mother who’s at home because we planned it so she doesn’t have to work, with these odds, you’d think they could beat the system. But it’s not that clear cut.

Our older son, Jeremy has his peers, many of whom he’s brought home to witness a value system some are unfamiliar with. He has his peers who aspire to greatness but are resentful of what they have to do to get it. He has his peers who value thugism over his peers who aspire to college and therein lies a continued battle that encroaches on what we have tried to build. He has peers who don’t have a mom and dad at home, while others have a mom and dad at home when they are not working. He has choices to make, and it’s the village of people his mom and I try to surround him with, our peers, who stress to him that it’s his choice to beat the odds.

I remember when our younger son, Myles, got his first ‘B’. We’d given him choices, and allowed him to decide what was important, and though he felt he could play computer games and keep up with his schoolwork, he had a wake-up call, and a consequence. He can’t play his game without limitations now. He made us make the choice when he failed to live up to his promise—he could do it all. Unlimited computer is gone! Homework is no longer an afterthought. It’s hard to realize you have to work hard to be able to play hard the games you want to play. And it’s sometimes hard for parents to make their kids live up to their commitments.

I don’t know how you view the school year, whether as a respite from all the time you had to spend engaging yourself with your children. I’m not sure how you look at today’s youth, but if you have not given much of what I’ve mentioned above any thought, you need a wake up call. Being a dad today is hard with all the forces that want to convince society dads aren’t important. You are! And if you are black dad, look at some of the statistics I’ve shared before, it might wake you up.

Only 22% of black males finish college within six years. Of the students suspended in school, 32% are black. Black males are twice as likely to be suspended as whites are. If your son graduates from high school, he will be among the 41% that do. That’s only part of the equation, and if you have two black boys like we do…doesn’t that mean they are competing with each other? I hope they realize why their mom and me on their backs as they choose potential professions, not to mention the other people in the village like Smiley.
Did you know Blacks make up 3.2% of the lawyers, 3% of the doctors and 1% of the architects? Factor in that many of these are black women you understand why many people are shocked to see their doctor is a Black male. Did you know that the net worth of average Black family in America is $6,100 compared to $67,000 for a white family? Remember now…we have overcome. Do any of you see your sons graduating in less than six years wearing a stethoscope or carrying a briefcase that belongs to him? Do you/? Did you also know that less than 50% own their homes and that of Blacks earning $100,000 annually 30% have ‘less than $5,000 in retirement savings?’

I mentioned peer pressure in school, where community leaders get together with the school administrators to encourage students to dress for success, by going to school one day a week or month, as if they were going to college. It’s a plan where students would see who had a similar picture of the future and could show they were determined to do something about it.

Another idea would be to have college days in school. On this particular day across the country, have those students who have plans to go to college dress as though they were going to a college interview. It’s not too much to ask. I’m sure everyone has a wardrobe that includes at least one ‘interview’ outfit. Let them do this once a week, or twice a month. Think about it, and I’ll talk about the benefits next week as you think about a potential doctor, lawyer, or even teacher in your house, and as boys become the men they see on the streets in their neighborhood. Present them a good image you men who are fathers.

“A child is an island of curiosity surrounded by a sea of question marks.”
from Always my Dad calendar

Archie Wortham, Ph.D.
Husband of Suzie
Father of Jeremy & Myles
Educator & Columnist

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Real Friends

December 21 2007

“I retired at the end of my freshman year [in college] when I realized that I no longer  liked not being able to go out with my friends so I could get up at 5 o’clock in the morning to go skating,” is the way one young girl looked at the importance of being with her friends..

Life is short.  Friends come and go.  But the reality is that many times we look to friends for answers and forget about family until later in life and wonder if we should have paid more attention to what our family said. Heard the saying, “You can choose your friends, but you are stuck with your family?”  For those who question that, think who chose your family? Does God make mistakes?

In 1997, Judith Harris wrote a book call “The Nurture Assumption,” stating that genetic and peer influence trump parental nurture.  She asks “Do parents have any important long-term effects on the development of their child’s personality,” and after examining the evidence, she concluded “no.”  Then what am I doing?

At a recent national conference for African-American male, Dr. Billy Close, an assistant professor at Florida State University stated the most important thing that an African-American male can lay claim is his name and his domain.  Think about that.  Think about what your name is, what it means and what a struggle it is for black men to hold on to a ‘good’ name.  It’s a name given to you by your ancestors.  Its meaning has a heritage. A good name is worth more than silver or gold, and a good name can sustain you just like a bad name can smother you.

Black males deal with many stereotypes and labels, and many of these stereotypes become handles many of us can’t get rid.  It’s a constant battle to fight for truth, justice and the name we so dearly love to keep it honest, worthy of honor as we must remember we are known as much by what we do as the company we keep.  Indeed, a good name is should be as revered as good friends and not necessary friends like the ones mentioned in today’s quote as we should realize who we become is as much determined by who we are with. We should be ever conscious that society has already labeled black men as losers, lazy, and dumb.  Do any of those names sound like the names your mothers, fathers or teachers called you?

In ‘Letters to a Young Brother,’ Hill Harper of CSI: New York, tasked young black brothas’ with writing down the definition of a friend. He was once told if he could define what it is he needed in a friend,, he could allow someone to be that for him and more importantly, he could “learn to be that” for himself.  I too would like young men to do that.  Take the time to write down what you think a true friend is.

As Harper relates, “many times we have people in our lives who we call ‘friends,’ but they don’t fit our description.  They should be called acquaintances.”  Friends don’t hold you down.  Friends encourage you. Friends are not jealous of you; rather they wish the best for you. Friends are your family when you don’t have one.  Today a lot of young men are confused as they see being liked as a misrepresentation of what it takes to succeed.

A friend wants you to succeed as your name becomes swollen by the people you surround yourself.  People know more about you by the company you keep than the crib you live in.  People know more about you by the people who ‘roll’ with you than by the money in your pocket.  People simply know more about you based on who you do things with, than by the name your mom or dad gave you.  Remember that! Choose wisely.  Some friends are only around to see you fail, and when that happens, they simply mark you off.  They only want what they can get.  Think about it.

And think about the potential you have for the home you live.  Where you live and how you live speak volumes about who you are, or who you plan to be.  Is your room neat?  Why not?  Maybe because you see it as someone else’s.  But I bet you don’t call it your parent’s room.  Even when you go to college, you don’t refer to it as a dorm room, it’s your room.  How are you keeping your room?  How are you keeping your life?

Though much of what I’ve written in this article refers to youths, the same relates to the parents of these youths.  Do you know who your friends are?  Do you care where you live and how you live?  Our parentage as well as our lineage is as much defined by name and domain as they are for the next generation’s caring for our country.  Choosing friends carefully and keeping our houses well maintained says volumes to our kids as their friends say about the children we have raised.

Dr. Billy Close was one of eleven children.  He grew up in the south at a time when he was born, the only way a black person could be treated in a hospital was they had to pay first, or treatment was refused.  Because of that, his twin sister died at birth because the hospital wouldn’t treat them.  Sad story, but a legacy he maintains by making sure his student remember our parents worked hard to give us what we have.

Parents need to remind their sons and daughters the same thing as we try to help them make the right decision and not fall prey to the notion that no matter what we do peers will nurture our children to become men and women.  Don’t you believe it! And don’t you believe there is no such thing as ‘guilt by association.’  Our penal system is a reminder that being in the wrong place with the wrong people at wrong time can put you in jail.

Here’s a surprise to this week’s admonition that friends’ influence may dissuade greatness.  The young lady mentioned in the first paragraph happens to be Condoleezza Rice.  She may have been 17 when she chose to stop skating.  But she didn’t stop college.  Get them there with a firm belief in themselves and you too may have a Secretary of State eating dinner with you tonight.

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.”
Norman Cousins

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